Top 5 Reasons Why Hitch RUINED Your Dating Life…

So I was watching Hitch the other night…

It’s been years since I first saw that movie.

When I first saw it my mind was blown. I walked away with sooo many new insights on how “dating” really worked (…or did I?)

Like forreal. Will Smith seemed to be the ultimate badass.

Back then I also knew almost NOTHING about women.

But the New me — the Patrick “Mothaf*ckin” James version of me — flipped it on for the first time in years because I wanted to see if Hitch really is all it’s cracked it up to be…

Spoiler alert: It’s not.

The TOP 5 REASONS why I despise that movie.

I want to save you from the years of failure that will for sure happen in your dating life if you follow any of the advice given in that movie.

Here’s why the movie Hitch SUCKS…

Reason #1: The 3 Date Rule

God. Hollywood really has to ruin everything don’t they?!

In the first scene of the movie, Hitch talks about how he only need 3 dates to get you the “First Kiss”

As he says, “8 out of 10 women think that the first kiss will tell them everything about the relationship. Just give me 3 dates and I’ll get you there.”


F that.

Here’s the truth….

Pussies wait 3 dates to kiss a girl.

Why on earth would you waste 3 DATES on a girl that you haven’t even kissed yet brother?!

That is the 1-way ticket to the friend-zone with no way out.

Here’s the truth… Often times, I’m making out with a girl HALF-WAY through the first date.

And if there is the rare occasion where I don’t kiss a girl by the end of the first date, then I’m thinking something must have been wrong…

At that point I’m gonna do some serious journalling and reflection to see where I can improve my game.

… And yes. Everyone has an off night. Even Kobe had “off-nights”.

So if you ever go a date without a kiss. Consider it an off-night, and a chance to improve your game.

And if nothing has happened physically, or sexually by the end of the 2nd date… Then she’s getting friend-zoned by ME.

That’s right.

Call me arrogant. Call me cocky. But don’t call me while I’m banging your chick that you waited 3 dates to kiss.

Reason #2: The enemy of the movie.

You see this guy? (depicted below)

His name is Vance Munson.

… And the writer’s of Hitch decided to make HIM the enemy of the movie…


Because he wanted to SLEEP with a girl.

He wasn’t thinking “Hitch. Please help me kiss this girl by the 3rd date.”

He was thinking “Hitch. Dude. This girl is awesome. How do I sleep with her.”

Guess how Hitch reacts….

By SHAMING HIM in a public restaurant.

Then guess what happens to Vance….

He actually DOES sleep with the girl, and the girl’s friend (Eva Mendes) kicks him in the balls!

Can you believe that?!

God I HATE Hollywood.

Here’s the hard-cold truth… People are SEXUAL creatures. Women especially.

And yes… While you may enjoy a woman’s company… While you guys may have a connection… You don’t TRULY know her until you’ve slept her. Period.

Sex is literally HALF of any healthy relationship.

If you make “sex” the enemy then you will NEVER have an abundant sex life.

So yeah. Sure…

If you love the friend-zone, go ahead…

Continue to think:
“She’s not that type of girl.”
“Women don’t like sex as much as men do.”
“Gentlemen don’t sleep with women because they’re respectful.”

F*ck that.

You will NEVER hear about a girl running to her friends and bragging about the guy she just met who didn’t f*ck her.


Reason #3: The 90-10 Rule.

There is a scene in the movie where Hitch is teaching Albert how to KISS a girl.

He teaches that the Man has to lean-in 90% of the way, and then IF the girl approves, she’ll come the other 10%.

God DAMMMM dude.


F*ck that.

That’s some friend-zone B.S.

First off, YOU should be the one approving of her.

Second off… Never lean in 90% of the way to kiss the girl.

… Unless of course you like the taste of puke in her mouth while she barfs a little bit in disgust.

Most of the time I’m kissing a girl, here’s how it happens…

I’m grabbing her by the hand…

Gently, yet dominantly, pulling her towards me…

Wiping a strand of hair out of her face, while I put my hand on her neck behind her ear…

Then I’m going 10% when I approve of HER.

So literally this is the 90-10 rule in reverse.

… I’m often the first one to pull away too.


Reason #4: The dating coach becomes WHIPPED.

I don’t know if you remember this from the movie….

But Hitch was sort-of a badass at the beginning…

He could approach any girl, then get her super into him. BUT….

About half-way through the movie everything changes.

He becomes this pussified version of himself, and is only pursuing ONE girl.

Rather than being this abundant man who could get any girl…

Heck. He’s so pussified that he even waits for her to call him for the 2nd date, and she plans everything.

(…So wait. You’re telling me the bad@ss dating coach is letting the GIRL lead?!…. Yep, and it gets worse.)

After 2 dates with this girl he finally kisses her.

And guess what happens next… He rationalizes that HE’S IN LOVE WITH HER.


And when she rejects him, he goes as far as JUMPING IN FRONT OF A MOVING CAR TO STOP HER WHILE SHE’S IN TRAFFIC.

If that doesn’t scream “I’m a pussy” I don’t know what does.

And finally…

Reason #5: He gets the girl.

That’s right…

After ALLLL the nonsense that Hollywood was teaching you with this movie, they top it off with the ultimate cherry on top.

The “Nice” guy gets the girl in the end, and everyone lives happily-ever-after.

You know. Hollywood could have really saved themselves if they would have made the movie end realistically.

Like I would 100% LOVE the movie if both every guy (including Hitch) ended up heart-broken while the TRUE HERO — Vance Munson — ends up with everyone’s girl.

Now THAT’S a movie worth watching.

But no…

Hollywood wanted to make sure and brainwash every man in America with this “nice guy” bullsh!t, successfully handing the power to every woman.

No wonder 2 out of 3 marriages end in divorce.

If you ask me… This was all one giant MONEY scheme.

This movie made sure that Valentine’s Day will never go away, and probably SAVED the bouquet-of-flowers business.

You want to know how women actually feel when they get flowers delivered to their office?

Check out this status I uploaded a few months back:


Final review: 0 out of 5 stars.

But are you really surprised?

-Patrick “Mr. Steal-yo-girl” James